My Vagina Monologue

Warning: This post will discuss women’s healthcare, vaginas, hymens and frustration. The post is aimed at women, to any men, I’m not saying you can’t read this, but I’m asking that if you do, you reserve judgment and be respectful.

I am choosing to share this experience, not because I think I can singlehandedly change the way the healthcare system treats women, but in case anyone reading this is themself, or knows someone going through a similar problem. I am writing this because it took me three years to finally get treatment for this issue. I am writing this because if I can, in any way prevent a girl from going through what I have, then I know something good has come out of this. 

So welcome to my Vagina Monologue. I am no Eve Ensler (V), but I have a story, and I’m going to share it. My friends know I’m a chronic oversharer online, anyone who is unfortunate to have landed themself on my private story on Snapchat will know I share everything on there, though I have not shared this with them. There’s a stigma around things like this that I will be powering through to share my experience, it’s not easy and honestly, it’s a little embarrassing to share, but I don’t want to hide it.

God that all sounded so dramatic lol so sorry about that. Just thought I’d pique your interest and make it sound all fancy. You know for when some fancy journalist comes across this post and is like wow what an empowering post you wrote about your vagina, let me tell the world xoxo

Anyway, let me adopt my normal tone of being very unserious because writing it like some kind of academic article back there gave me severe uni flashbacks and I hated that. So… let me begin.

The story starts with me getting my period at the big age of 15, and sometime later, probably quite some time, attempting to use a tampon. Now I had heard stories of people struggling to use tampons, so when it caused me significant pain and very much did not go anywhere, I was like, lol guess I’m one of those people who uses pads. 

My second attempt at using them was more along the lines of, ‘Okay, but it is possible I just have to give it a proper go’, cut to me in all sorts of positions, using all sorts of angles, googling various things and still being extremely unsuccessful (and painful). 

At the same time, I was experiencing a rollercoaster with my periods. Usually, two weeks long and cycles varying from 40 days to 121. Eventually, after three years of irregular periods, I told my doctor, who told me to wait six months and see if they regulated. Although how they would suddenly regulate after three years of being so irregular, I was not sure. 

Cut to another attempt to use tampons and a bit of a deep dive online, there were lots of people who had similar issues, some of them structural, some of them psychological, and all of them painful. One thing recommended was trying to insert something smaller, aka a cotton bud, turns out that also wouldn’t go in and caused just as much pain. 

I called the doccy back up in 2021 and told them of my period issue, they said they’d refer me for an ultrasound and they may do an internal one, I told them that I couldn’t use tampons at all and when I tried it caused me extreme pain, I was told they’d skip the internal one and that was that. No, oh that’s weird, no, okay we’ll have a look into that, just, let’s ignore that then xoxo

So, I had two blood tests and an ultrasound and never heard back. The end??? I guess that’s what the doctor thought, I, however, still could not use tampons and still had periods that were extremely unpredictable and plummeted my mood. 

I decided to embrace, and find humour in the fact that I could not use tampons, by openly discussing this with pretty much anyone willing to listen, and proudly declaring that I had no vagina. 

In sharing this with people, I learnt of many people who had the psychological issue, and essentially had to power through the pain. lol, what? the pain was so bad I did not want to power through that. I also received several comments (all harmless) about whether I was sure I was doing it right, had the right angle, and that it’s uncomfortable for everyone. I felt like I was quite possibly just inadequate at being a woman. 

Cut to my favourite holiday ever, my cruise in January last year, dampened by the fact that for the full week, I was on my period, and due to my lack of ability to use tampons, I couldn’t swim, use the hot tubs or the spa package my mum had booked before we embarked. 

I began to panic a little about the possibility of being on my period in July when I went to Turkey. The weather in Turkey is always so hot that you pretty much need to immerse yourself in a body of water once an hour or go inside (somewhere with air conditioning). I was aware of the fact that if I was on my period on that holiday, I would essentially have to spend the full two weeks inside. So, I was determined to deal with this problem.

Forced by my friend, I called the GP and booked an appointment. I went and told her my issue and mentioned that I also had irregular periods. Well, guess what she was interested in, that’s right, I was referred for blood tests once again. But before I left she attempted an examination. She whipped out a speculum and was like ‘Let me try this’. I had just five minutes previously told her I couldn’t insert a cotton bud into it, I don’t know where she thought she was going to put that speculum, but it certainly wasn’t in my vagina. She quickly realised this after she got about 5mm in and pulled it out, hiding it from view quite rapidly so I wouldn’t see the blood coating the tip, lol I saw that. She then asked if she could try with a finger, she could try but could she succeed? No. She was all, 'Let me know if you need me to stop', I was like 'Yes', and then she continued, I then told her for a second time that I needed her to stop and she did. She made the referral for the blood tests and told me, that some girls have a piece of skin that gets broken the first time they have sex and sent me on my way. I was 20 at the time, and I knew what a hymen was, I was a little disgusted that her prescription for my issue was essentially, to go have sex. So, I hobbled home and hoped something would come of it. It did not.

I booked a follow-up after all my tests this time because I hated being left in the dark, armed with my mother who was pretty fumes about the whole thing and would not take no for an answer. The doctor put me on the pill to regulate my periods and also to hopefully help with acne, the side effects of said pill included ‘irregular periods and acne’. We also mentioned the whole, no vagina thing, and she said she’d do a gynae referral! We’re getting somewhere!!!

Cut to August 2023, I sat down in front of the consultant, a little terrified that this old man was about to poke around at where I was supposed to have a vagina. He asked me the basic, name and date of birth questions and then the first proper question he asked me was, ‘Do you have a boyfriend?’ the implication was that I was trying to fix this issue for a boyfriend, lol what? He also told me to stop taking the pill I’d been prescribed to regulate my periods because “That pill doesn’t do that’, why was I on it then?? Anyway, he said that he didn’t want to cause further trauma by examining me, so he’d examine me under general anaesthetic and if there was anything structural causing the problem, he’d remove it.

Cut to yesterday, 7 am I arrived in beautiful Blackpool ready to have surgery on my vag xoxo

I was quite quickly taken away from my mother, who was left in the waiting room, I was doing this on my own. But I settled in with a book and waited around. I also had to wee in a cardboard bowl to do a pregnancy test, like ??? take a hint, there’s definitely not a baby in there. Eventually, knickers off, crocs on, I went to surgery. 

I woke up and could not stop blabbering on, poor nurse I bet she wished I was still asleep. During my chats, I managed to get out of her that they extracted something. What that was, I was unsure. Eventually, I was left alone and ooooh could I feel where something had been extracted, any mum who has ripped while giving birth, idk how you deal with this pain while also having a brand new human to depend on you. Women are truly the strongest people. Anyway, the old man came over and told me I had a v thick hymen with a teeny tiny hole to allow for periods, and that he had surgically removed it as he couldn’t get in there to examine. He then said, ‘So no intercourse for two to three weeks’, once again implying that I’ve been through ALL OF THIS so I could have sex. Not so I could feel like a real woman with all the body parts I’m supposed to have, not so I’m no longer restricted by my irregular periods, not for me, for a man? I politely smiled and nodded, secretly fumes but also so glad the issue was not psychological. I had been made to feel like I was crazy for over three years at this point, and finally, I had answers. And also a referral to a vagina physio, how fun!

I informed everyone who wanted to know what the issue was, and Clare got to researching, which leads me to why I’m writing this. This issue affects 1 in 1000 women, which means over 33,000 women in the UK have this problem, think about it, that’s one girl in every high school. However, there are only 20 documented cases of this condition, but why? Because women’s health problems are consistently dismissed and neglected. A few days ago, I saw this tweet, https://x.com/rebmasel/status/1752870096664715594?s=20 and I think it’s part of the reason I decided to share this experience. 

So I’m sitting here, an unknown amount of stitches in my vagina, googling aftercare because I wasn’t really told any, grateful that my voice was finally heard, but angry that it took this long, and angry that women have to go through so much just to be listened to. 

Anyway, V if you’re reading I’ll write a shorter vagina monologue and you can publish it whenever you’re ready. Ps the Vagina Monologues are genuinely part of the reason I felt able to write this, very empowering. If you have not, give them a read.